Twenty Years

For twenty years she has been in control of her emotions. She had managed to programme herself into something quite 'normal'. It was twenty years ago that her sexuality was awakened. She had submitted herself to her first and most dangerous love affair, which resulted in the shattering and shaping her perceptions and ideals of love. It was the only time in her life that she had been heart broken, on a daily basis. A love affair so intense and vivid that it consumed all her being. That affair ended in a most unexpected and sorrow way. But it had to end for her to conceive any normality of the rest of her life. Since then, she has wadded through life with an air of irrelevance to love. No man would ever intervene in her being in that way again. No man has touched her in that way since.

Since then, she has drifted from relationships, short and long, committal and non-committal. Yet not one has managed to touch her soul. She remained invincible and untamed. She has spoken ‘I love you’, but deep down, never really meant it. She has adapted and moulded herself into an image expected, not by others, but by her ideals. She has had and has shared merry times with her partners. Yet, her heart always beat to the same rhythm, never missing a beat. Yet, she was in control and preferred it that way.

Twenty years later, at 40 years of age, history repeats itself. She is in a state of shock as past emotions are evoked. She cannot comprehend her emotions and her loss of control. The same sleepless nights, aches, pains and coldness are once again toying her psyche. She is again helpless. Though her maturity buffers much of the affect, her heart is tingling in the same way as it did twenty years ago. She cries and pity herself as the memories are as raw now as they were then.

She's a frightened woman for she knows too well what the consequences could be. Twenty years ago she was a free spirit, young dynamic and without responsibility. Now, she's almost a complete woman and  the prime carer of two children, two cats and two budgies. It may sound trivial, but she undertakes her responsibilities very seriously. She has become a contributor to society; community dance group and Parents Teachers Association (PTA) and has even participated in fund raising events for charity. She relishes  the tranquil life style and was comforted and contented by its conformity and regularity.

Now she finds herself back where she was twenty years ago. Her emotions perturbed. Though inspiring and soul felt, she wishes to reject its onslaught. But she cannot! Her mind and soul have been touched and she finds it difficult to resist. She awaits his sign, his touch and finally the consummation of their bond. The air between unspoken words is intense and magnetic. She kisses with eyes closed once again. Something she has not done for twenty years.

The behaviour of the 20 years old virgin and the 40 years old mother is parallel. She recognises the pattern and would be able to conduct herself in the same course blind folded.

One would expect that life’s experiences and age would alter one’s conduct; that we would have learnt and be immune to committing the same mistakes. For these reasons she now questions whether she had learnt and matured.

However, if she takes a minute to reflect and search deep, she may be surprised to find that she is much stronger than she’d thought.

She should welcome this brief encounter and enjoy the second awakening for as long as it lasts. It has made her heart miss a beat. This is, life itself! She has accepted pleasures do not last forever, but should be enjoyed when given and kept in a treasure box when it ends. She accepts that pleasures come in all forms, shapes and colours and that it’s the simple pleasures of her daily life is what makes her who she is. If only she  learns to allow her sex and herself be one, she would be a complete woman.